Day 83 in year 2026
Tuesday after days of Raya holiday. I feel like my life is just one big loop lately. I wake up, i go to the office, and i sit in my chair. I'm just one of the workers, doing my part, handling the papers, and making sure task are in order - Just me and the work.
But then one question pop up at the corner of my mind. What happens to all this at the end?
I hope the "future me" - the old version of me - isn't steressed about these daily tasks, i hope i don't care if i finished every single filing or if i was perfectly productive every day. When i'm at the very end of my journey, those work days are just ...old memories. Just hours spend in a bulding. Nobody is going to remember the spesific moment of how i manage every task with details in the office.
What i really want is to feel like i actually lived outside of this office.
It's like when i go on my solo trips. You know that feeling at the airport when you're going home? Your feet hurt from walking all over places. Your bag is messy. You're tired. But you're sitting there smilling becase you actually went. You weren't "the worker" there. You were just a person feeling the wind and seeing the mountains.
That's how i want to feel about my life. I want to feel like i used up my energy on the things that actually made me happy, not just the things i "had" to do.
Even at my job...one day, someone else will sit in my chair. They will do the same tasks. They won't know who i was or how many years i spent here. And that's fine. Its actually okey. My routine is just a way to her to the things i love - the nature, the walks, the quiet moments.
It makes me think i should stop being so hard on myself. Why am i worried about being "perfect" at a job where i'm just a small part of the system? If i'm going to be gone one day, i just want to be a happy memory. I want to be the person who took long walks and was kind to the people sitting next to me.
The future is coming. I can't stop it. So instead of just "working", i'll try to have a good story right now. I'll keep planning my travels. I'll keep looking forward to the weekend. I'll keep trying to enjoy small stuff.
I've been thinking too much again. Time to stop and just get ready for "what next" routine for now. While im still here.
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